


Loving you is letting you go

by ThatWALKERKid



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, AvaLance, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Endgame, F/F, One Shot, POV Sara Lance, Strong Female Characters, hopeful make up, sara's thoughts, they better get back together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 09:13:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14077635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWALKERKid/pseuds/ThatWALKERKid
Summary: A one shot written to the song Cloud by Elias with our fav waverider captain going through everything in her head before, during and after breaking up with Ava.





	Loving you is letting you go

**Author's Note:**

> This came out of having listened to the sound cloud by Elias on my way to work one morning this week. I tried to quell my need to write it, but it just wouldnt give up. I didnt want this angst because its all too much, but I guess in a way its how I'm processing what happened in the episode. Don't worry I hate me too.

 

She had said it.

 

This was the happiest she had ever been in her life. Everything about the past few weeks had been more than Sara had ever hoped to have. She hadn't expected it; wasn't looking for it but it had found her. She had found her.

 

_**Ava**._

 

Just the thought, any thought of her, sent Sara’s senses into over drive, no matter how small of a detail it was. From the way Ava liked her coffee to how she had sarcastically turned her head at Sara the first time they had met, sara having suggested that she had missed something on a case, it was all important, every detail made Sara feel like she was floating; like she was in love.

 

She had said it. This was the happiest she had ever been in her life. 

 

And she had meant it.

 

But she couldn't help but feel like it wasn’t really hers, and that it was putting everything she had been working towards, everyone she had collected as apart of her found family, in danger.

 

She had thought she’d known what she wanted, and in truth she did. It was just by chance, a fleeting, yet burdening encounter with a demon, that had flooded her mind with doubt. 

 

It had coursed through every pathway in her brain, fraying the already fragile control she had for the good things in her life. She had always told herself that good things didn’t happen for her, and if they did, they were a trap for the people she cared for, to get to her, to make her suffer.

 

And in the past people had. 

 

People had died. Suffered. Been change beyond repair. And their affections for Sara had disappeared along with it. 

 

Her life had been a battle field, now marred by mortar blasts and the blood stains for her loved ones, her friends, strangers and her enemies. Every time anything good had come into her life it was stalked by the darkness that she had been running from. The darkness of her enemies but also the darkness that hid within her. 

 

She had battled it for as long as she could remember, had held it back. 

 

She’d held it at bay.

 

But this time, she could feel it rising within her; the levy it was shackled behind crumbling as the cold, and the darkness of the demon filtered through her blood, through her bones, through her soul. 

 

And she knew. She knew she didn’t deserve Ava. 

 

And Ava didn’t deserve the calamity that was coming if Sara was still in her life. Sara knew it would burn her world down, break every bone, tear flesh, destroy souls and crumble even someone as strong as Ava was. 

 

So she knew.

 

She knew she had to make sure the part of her that brought the destruction couldn’t see Ava’s light, and that meant taking it from her. 

 

As the door to her quarters slid open and her eyes laid bare to the soul before her, a heaviness settled on her chest, her heart smashing against the restraints of her ribs, the two halves of herself screaming into the void; one for, the other against. 

 

> _“We need to talk.”_

 

The words had brought the suited blonde out of her own mind and into the harshly lit space of reality. Sara could feel Ava’s heart clench painfully, knowing deep in her mind what was coming. 

 

It had flashed across her face. 

 

The realisation. 

 

The acknowledgement of pain.

 

 The determination and will for it not to happen. 

 

> _“Oh.. No good conversation ever started that way.”_

 

Sara felt the sting of every word. Felt the underlying notion of _great this wasn't real and now you want out_.

 

> _“Ava, I’m sorry.”_

 

The words had left her lips without permission and as though they would make anything better, like they would take away any of the bruising that this was going to leave on this perfect woman standing before her. 

 

> _“Listen, I cant pretend to understand what you went through, or what happened to you but I know that wasn't you Sara.”_

 

As if trying to cover a gaping wound with a sticky plaster, Ava grabbed at its sides and tried to run with it, tried to keep the wound from getting any bigger, and it broke Sara’s heart, it fractured her soul but she knew she had to stay her course, had to protect Ava, from everything that was happening.

 

Protect Ava from herself.

 

> _“That’s just it, it was me.”_

 

The measured tone had left her lips, matter of factly stating what Sara deemed to be obvious. It had been her. She was the darkness, the destruction, the death.

 

> _“Just like fire is to Rory, there’s part of me that… it’s always been there.. and I really tried to pretend that that wasn't true but deep down.. I am death. ”_

 

It was the truth, the dark parts of her had always been there. She had just gotten better and better at hiding them, masking just how much they controlled her actions; she had proven to the universe over and over again that where ever she was, starling city, Lian yu, the waverider, death was there. 

 

> “No, Sara.. okay so we can fight that part of you together, just tell me what to do.”

 

Sara could see a war being waged behind Ava’s perfect eyes. She wasn't going to give up, wasn't going to let her just walk away. There wasn't much more of sara that could be broken but the way Ava hurried though her words, trying to get them all out before time became cemented and the words sticking in her throat, carved the deepest wound she was ever likely to face again.

 

> _“Ava, you read my file.”_

 

A defiance washed over Ava’s face and Sara knew that she was breaking every part of the time agent before her. She really just wanted this over, but couldn't end it without giving Ava some sort of reasoning.

 

> _“But I still showed up at that restaurant, in that horribly uncomfortable dress trying to impress you because I don't care about your past Sara.”_

 

Sara couldn't bare to hear the pleading in Ava’s voice, all her walls went up, trying to thicken her skin, the cracks still visible, Ava’s light still seeping in.

 

> _“Well maybe you should.”_

 

It had been harsh and she regretting almost immediately.. She softened herself a little again and looked into Ava’s eyes.

 

> _“You are wonderful, and i..I’ve never been this happy in my life.”_

 

The flood gates had opened, the emotion with in her pouring out..

 

 She had said it.

 

This was the happiest she had ever been in her life. She had meant it and she hoped Ava could feel that too.

 

> “ _This doesn't look happy.”_

 

A statement that Sara knew Ava had needed to say, to grip onto what was actually happening, to understand just how Sara was feeling.

 

> _“Look, I don’t deserve you.”_

 

Another statement. Laced with a heavy truth that Sara had felt her whole life. Burdened by loss and pain, she had always sort to not put herself in a position where she would actually be in anything. 

 

Until now. 

 

With Ava it had been real. 

 

It was real, and Sara felt.

 

More than before, with anyone else. 

 

And she knew what was coming next. What always came next. The rebuttal.

 

> _“Yes, Sara. Yes you do.”_

 

She wanted so badly to believe it. To grab a hold of the sentiment tied to it, to run with it and never look back. But deep down she knew. 

 

Knew that it was the case, that it was always going to end this way and that she didnt deserve anything good because, how could she? How could death herself, be worthy of anything other than heartache and pain, of the misery of loneliness?

 

> _“No Ava, I don’t. You deserve better, you deserve so much better and I care about you but I’m not gonna do this. I won’t.”_
> 
>  

The world seemed to stop. A deafening silence laced with the devastation forming on Ava’s face. Sara truly believed that Ava deserved better and she knew that it was out there for her. There was always a better option than her and while she had come to terms with that, she needed to make sure that Ava knew it too.

 

> _“Sara..”_

 

The last stand, Ava’s final push. Sara could see she had just about tore the last shred of light from Ava’s soul. It hurt, like fire burning her flesh, her mind still screaming into the void, the demon still gnawing away at her control. 

 

> “I’m sorry.”

 

And she was. 

 

It was all she was ever going to be for the rest of her life. 

 

Sorry for the pain she caused.

 

Sorry for the damage that followed in her wake. 

 

Sorry for the deaths on her conscience; the blood on her hands. 

 

Sorry for having made Ava love her.

 

She was sorry for all of those things and more. 

 

But to sara, the only good she had ever done for anyone, was learning that if you truly love someone, want them to be happy and safe, knowing that you cant provide that, then you have to let them go. 

 

A lesson learned too many times over. 

 

One Sara would endeavour to make sure she never had to make another living soul learn from her again. 

 

She had turned from Ava then, not wanting her resolve to crack and crumble and break because she knew. 

 

She knew that Ava would be that one person who could drag her back into the light, into the warmth and the love. Ava had left and the universe had shifted. The space cold and uninviting. The glow of happiness extinguished. She had won. Sara hadn't wanted to fight that battle. She wanted to put her weapons down, to not be the warrior anymore but this was a necessary one, to win the war. The one raging within her. 

 

She had wanted to take back every word she had said and almost did as she turned around but the cold, devastating metal of the waverider was all that greeted her.

 

She had indeed won. Completed her mission.. and this battle field.. was by far the bloodiest she had ever seen. A permanent hollow created by the mortar shell of herself, imprinting into a fresh, vibrant soul, the darkness of which she was trying to protect everyone from. 

 

Now Everything was dead. 

 

She was death. 


End file.
